Self-Love or Self Destruction
I wasn’t sure what to name this post so the only thing I could come up with was self-love or self-destruction. I believe that the reason for it was because by the end I realized that it comes down to choices. It comes down to self-awareness and deciding.
When I saw this, I gasped. It was like a dagger through my damn chest. I felt a physical pain through my heart. A knot in my throat because god forbid anyone catch me crying and think it’s that time of the month. As women, if we cry, we are hormonal. When men cry, they are weak and probably gay. Do you see what I’m getting at? No one wins. No one can ever win from being judged one way or the other. There is always a double standard. You are always doing too little or too much.
I was looking on Instagram because I needed a moment to just catch my breathe and clear my mind. I’ve been sick for a couple of reasons not related to each other for the past couple of weeks. It ended me in urgent care and a bottle of antibiotics that look like the size of my head (cue the dramatics, I’m clearly getting better). I keep taking mini-breaks in order to study, work on my blog, etc.
My Sister’s Post
Instead of getting a quick mind-numbing break, I got a gut punch. I heard my heart break just a little like glass cracking. I saw a post my sister shared in her Instagram stories. I’m usually the open book. I’m usually the “balls to the wall” one that doesn’t care what anyone thinks. I pour my soul out just to empty my bucket and go on about my day feeling much lighter.
But my sisters? They are much more private. So am I in a sense. Especially when it comes to my son and husband. This is the little piece of me where I shine as so much more than super mom, and super wife. This is where I remind myself and other women that we are strong, capable, and have shitty days too. Where I open myself to let you know you are not alone, and that none of us are perfect. Also, where I remind you to stay healthy and help you with how to do that ha-ha.
The words spoken
I’ll post the image she posted but I’ll tell you what it said…, “so many years of education and nobody taught us how to love ourselves xx”. This hit me like a ton of bricks. We were raised to put our education first. My sisters and I are all educated and have degrees. But that is not the point here. Or is it? Do labels give us value? Are we less worthy if we didn’t have the paper proving we are more? I did all the things and in the end, I changed my whole career to pursue my passion. Anyway…, let’s get to the nitty-gritty, shall we…
I immediately wanted to cry, and I felt angry as well. I wondered how she felt. Did I need to run to go see her and make sure she was ok? Is she ok because she’s letting her emotions out in a healthy way? Should I not go because our mom raised three badass women who cry but get up anyway and never give up, never back down, and never take crap from nobody? Am I feeling this because I know that my sister is absolutely 100% correct and raising a little girl of her own now has brought up all of these truths even more? Does this piss you off?
Who Do We Blame
Who do we blame? Do we blame our parents? Do we blame society? Social media? Celebrities? I mean really, who do we blame? Should we blame anyone? Maybe this isn’t the case for everyone, but for those of us who have been affected, it’s a big deal. It has stopped us from pursuing that job, or that career, or that interview, or buying that dress, or going out, or taking that risk, or being happy regardless…
If we waste our time blaming him, her, them, the neighbor, that bitter ass relative that is unhappy and you know misery loves company, but yet you still let their comments get to you… then that’s when the real defeat occurs. The time wasted in blaming could have been used to speak words of self-love, to take time to practice self-care, to change your mindset, and figure out what makes you happy. If you really want to take up room in your mind, I can suggest a plan.
Make a plan
Make a plan to fill your mind with things that will bring you joy including people, and activities. A plan to figure out what needs to make “YOU” feel good, to make “YOU” feel better. I refuse to surround myself with people who do not bring joy into my life. I’m only willing to surround myself with people who make me laugh, provide positivity, remind me to keep the faith and breathe easy. I want to live, and I mean really live like a freaking unicorn in a world full of hate.
I’m not oblivious, I’m not an idiot, I’m not caught in a dream world. There is a really shitty world out there full of bitterness and anger and the one thing I can control is the company I keep and the vibe in my home. So, yeah I’m going to dance and sing like I won the lotto. I’m going to be silly because I was gifted with a humorous nature by God. However, I have a fighting spirit, and when I am able, and I have the opportunity, and I am called to use my voice, I do it and the only person who needs to know about it, is Jesus Christ. Not the neighbor, not social media, not my friends, nobody but the lord and the people I help.
To My Sister
To my sister…, my beautiful, strong, loving, and intelligent sister I say… when the sun comes up in the morning is a brand new day to decide and make the choice that you will love yourself because you are worthy of being loved. You deserve to be loved the same way you give love. You are giving, and strong, and gentle, and ambitious, and playful, and full of joy, and you are beautiful, and an amazing mother who perseveres and has shown incredible tenacity and strength.
Having the opportunity to raise your daughter to learn to love herself and know that self-love does not come from a store, a box, a purchase… it comes from all the gifts that were passed down to her from generations of strong powerful women. Plus with an army of strong women surrounding her and the men she sees that have been able to be strong enough to stand by she will know exactly what loving yourself means and having a true partner by her side to walk beside her and be her cheerleader with unconditional love and support.
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Sending you love, light, peace, and prayer...